


changes (turn and face the strange)

by happy_hufflepuffle



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Introspection, Kath's POV, M/M, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 02:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17236016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happy_hufflepuffle/pseuds/happy_hufflepuffle
Summary: Kath likes to think she doesn't miss things when it comes to her family. But maybe this time she did.Or, Kath watches Phil through the years.





	changes (turn and face the strange)

Kath has always prided herself on not missing much. Especially when it comes to her family.

The first time she notices Nigel watching her, she doesn't miss the nervous look he throws her upon realising he's been discovered. And then when he finally gathers the courage to walk up and ask  _can I take you out sometime?_ , she doesn't miss the smile that breaks across his face when she agrees. 

The first date, they get caught in the rain and they laugh as they splash through puddles and race down an empty street. For a moment she sees the look in his eyes, and wonders if he will kiss her, then it disappears and he kicks water at her.

(He kisses her on the third date - under the stars, cold wind seeping under the edges of his jacket that he gave her. She smiles and kisses back.)

Kath doesn't miss the nervous, flighty glance he gives her, like a baulking pony, when they're out walking and he slips his hand into his jacket pocket. She cries when he kneels on the dirt path and says  _will you marry me?_ and doesn't miss the tears misting his eyes too. He can appear tough, but he's soft underneath, she's realised.

Then they're married and have a house and she wakes up one morning and vomits neatly into the toilet bowl. It's an obvious sign, one she definitely doesn't miss, followed by doctors visits and a slowly swelling stomach and the eventual joy and pain of bringing a new life into the world.

\----

Two years later and their second baby is born, another boy. She doesn't miss his first tooth (accompanied by sleepless nights and screaming) or his first steps (three tentative wobbles across the kitchen floor) or his first word (light). She doesn't miss his differences, the way he always looks after others first, how he often gets tripped up by concepts that are too huge for him to grasp, or literally tripped up by cables and doorsteps and carpet. She often hears him whispering to his brother at night,  _Martyn, why are we here? Martyn why is a bed called a bed? Martyn why-_ until her eldest shushes him grumpily and tells him to  _just go to sleep already, Phil_. And then just when she thinks he's fallen asleep, she'll hear him again.  _Martyn, why is the moon round?_ and she'll have to force her fist into her mouth to keep from laughing and waking Nigel. Eventually either Martyn will come stomping into her room ( _"Make him go to sleep, Mum!"_ ), or she'll hear the pitter-patter of Phil's feet around the bed until he puts his little face right in front of hers and says  _Mum are you awake?_

Every time, she just kisses him on the forehead and says  _lets go make some midnight cereal_ and, careful not to wake Nigel, leads Phil downstairs. She pours him cereal and makes herself a tea, then sits and listens to all the thoughts that keep him awake, until his bowl is empty and his words are slower, sleepier. She takes him upstairs to brush his teeth and tucks him into bed with a kiss.

She loves Martyn just as much as she loves Phil, there's no favouritism, but Martyn usually goes to Nigel with things that bother him and Phil comes to her. It doesn't mean she doesn't know what's happening in Martyn's life though. She doesn't miss much.

When Phil starts school, he's too gentle for the other children and some of them tease him. There's a lot of talks over midnight cereal. But Phil learns to adapt, how to use his strengths to fit in with his peers, and he makes friends. 

Kath doesn't miss it when he starts spending time online talking to one friend in particular, but she doesn't press and Phil ends up telling her in his own time.  _She's my girlfriend_ , he says one night as he scoops puffed wheat into his mouth. Kath just smiles and nods and waits for the inevitable end that accompanies all primary school relationships. 

_She kissed Ian_ , he whimpers one day after school, pressed into her side.  _She kissed him at the movies and I wasn't invited_. 

Kath assumes the non-invitation was to the movies, not the kiss. She hugs him tighter. Some of Phil's friends aren't always nice to him.

\----

Before she knows it, Martyn is moving out, then Phil's starting University. It's only half an hour away and Phil loves it; loves the new people, the new city, the chance to work at something he's passionate about. She's not really sure how useful his degree will be. Neither she nor Nigel understand it much, and she knows Nigel would have liked him to do something more well known and 'safe'. An apprenticeship, maybe.

As much as the uncertainty around Phil's future scares her, she hasn't missed how much he's enjoying everything about this new part in his life. So she doesn't say anything and instead just listens to him ramble on through mouthfuls of midnight cereal, eyes shining and gesticulating wildly. She just sips her tea and smiles and files all the new information away in her mind.

_"_ I met someone, _"_ he says one night. "Online. His name's Dan and he likes my videos. _"_ Kath knows about the videos, has watched a few just to check that Phil wasn't doing something not-so-innocent. They're funny - good actually. Phil doesn't seem to think they are, but she's seen the viewer count and hasn't missed how the numbers of fans are growing. "Yeah?" she says, finding it odd how nervous Phil seems to be, but then again, he's always been an odd child. "What's he like?"

Phil launches off on a enthusiastic tangent about Dan messaging him, and how they both like the same music and the same games, and Kath sips her cup of tea as cereal flies everywhere. "Does he have a girlfriend?" she asks, once Phil has calmed down a little, and something flickers across Phil's face. 

"Yeah."

"Oh that's lovely," she says, and thinks about the day Phil will bring a nice girl home.

"Yeah." Phil says again and then he stares at his soggy cereal until Kath finishes her tea and they both head to bed.

Months later, when they're in the kitchen at midnight yet again, Phil tells her about how he and Dan have been skyping. "He's so funny!" he laughs. "He tells all these ace stories and we can talk for hours without realising."

Kath smiles, pleased at the thought of Phil finally having someone to understand him.

"He and his girlfriend broke up." Phil says eventually, and another emotion that she can't read shadows his face momentarily.

"Oh no, the poor thing," Kath says. "But, speaking of girlfriends, when are you going to bring a nice girl home?" She says it jokingly but Phil's face twists, and he stands and tips his cereal down the sink. 

"I'm going to bed."

Kath has a sudden, unfamiliar feeling of having missed something.

"You're back quickly, love." Nigel mumbles sleepily as she slips in beside him. He's right. Normally she and Phil are up much later - or earlier is probably more accurate. 

"Nigel," she says. "Have I missed something?"

But he's already fallen back asleep, leaving her question hanging in the dark room.

\----

Kath meets Dan a few weeks later, over Skype. He's shy, nervously fiddling with his fringe, all tan skin and big brown eyes and a dimple that pops out when he smiles hesitantly. The connection is bad and the call glitches frequently, but he seems rather nice and Kath agrees that he can come stay for the week. 

She and Nigel are going away while Dan is staying over and she packs their bags as Phil races back and forth outside the bedroom door. He's normally so messy, but he's spent the first half of the day frantically tidying his room, and the second half straightening the couch cushions and adjusting the furniture and generally getting under Nigel's feet as he packs the car. 

"Aren't you going to make up the guest bedroom for Dan?" Kath asks curiously as she leans around the door and Phil jumps from where he's making his bed.

"Oh right, yeah, I forgot." he says and rushes past her.  _Odd,_ Kath thinks.  _He's been adjusting the bloody furniture but he hasn't even made the guest bed?_

She pushes it from her mind and does one last check to make sure they haven't forgotten anything before climbing in the car to join Nigel. Phil slides into the backseat, still humming with restless energy which she can feel the whole way to the train station. 

"You'll be good, child?" she says, hugging Phil tightly as Nigel stands to one side holding their luggage. 

"Yeah, Mum." he says, his words muffled by her embrace. 

"No girls, do y'hear?" Nigel claps him on the shoulder and Kath watches Phil's face twist into that now-familiar but unrecognisable emotion. 

Phil nods. "Can I speak to Mum for a minute?"

"Sure." Nigel says, and Kath smiles at her husband. He's not angry or upset. He knows how close Phil and Kath are. Ruffling Phil's hair one last time, he hoists the luggage and boards the train. 

Kath turns her attention to her son. Phil opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Kath waits.

"I, uh, I just wanted to say, um, have a good trip."

Kath can see the emotion in his eyes, recognises the frustration lurking there. It's directed at himself, she realises. At his inability to say whatever it was he wanted to talk to her privately about. They've always been on the same page, her and Phil. She's always known what's happening in his life but now there is something unsaid between them that fills spaces and monopolises conversations and makes Phil angry at himself. 

She hugs him. The hug lasts longer than usual but she has a feeling he needs it, and she pretends not to notice the dampness on her shoulder when they pull apart. There are some things that are impossible to miss.

"Have fun with Dan." she says and there's something of her cheeky little boy in the way he smirks slightly.

"I'm sure I will. Now go, or Dad will have to go on holiday on his own."

She boards the train but doesn't sit down yet. Instead she watches her son out the window, the nervous way he's fiddling with his clothing, his hair. Something tells her that the minute their train leaves, he'll be racing to the car to drive to Manchester and meet Dan. She doesn't really understand why Dan couldn't just travel straight to Rawtenstall, Phil just mumbling something about universities and the Manchester Eye and his tiny, barely used apartment when she asked.

Phil's already vanished in the short time she's been lost in thought and she smiles to herself. If he's happy to drive the half hour to Manchester to meet Dan, then she shouldn't be worried. Turning away from the window, she makes her way over to Nigel. She loves Phil, she really does, but this holiday she's going to allow herself to relax, and that includes not worrying about her children. Hopefully Phil won't burn the house down.

\----

When the train pulls in, she can see Phil waiting. He smiles and hugs her when she steps onto the platform and when they get home the house looks fine, cleaner even, but there's something in Phil's eyes that screams  _I did something_ and Kath doesn't know whether to ask or wait for Phil to say something.

She goes downstairs at midnight. It's such a familiar routine now that Nigel doesn't even move when she pushes the covers back and leaves. On the wall by the bedroom door is a photo of them all, Martyn and Phil and Nigel and her, and she brushes it gently with her fingertips as she passes.

Avoiding the creaky boards, she enters the kitchen silently, and it's probably the only reason she hears Phil whisper  _I love you too_ into the phone cradled to his ear, so softly that she's almost convinced she imagined it. He's already eating cereal and Kath feels a sharp tug as if someone has pulled out a rug underneath her. There's suddenly an invisible third person filling the space, joining Phil for midnight cereal, and Kath doesn't want to ask, she _doesn't_ , but her reluctance is fighting with her urge to  _know_.

"Hey, child."

Phil jumps, nearly dropping the phone. "I've got to go," he says quickly into the phone. "Mum's just walked in."

The person on the other end clearly doesn't want Phil to hang up if the next 30 seconds of fond arguing is anything to go by. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, Bear." Phil says eventually and reluctantly ends the call. 

She makes tea and they talk about Dan's visit and Kath and Nigel's holiday and everything should feel normal. But Kath still has that unsettled feeling, like someone's taken their tradition and shaken it until everything is strangely lopsided. 

"I'm quite tired, love," she says eventually, though her mind is whirling frantically. "I'm sorry but think I might have to head to bed."

She tips the rest of her tea down the sink, watching it disappear in a swirl of milky brown. When she looks up she catches Phil's eye and realises he knows that she's not tired at all, that she knows something is wrong.

"Mum." he says then looks at the milk puddle in his bowl as if it somehow holds the answers to the universe, and she knows that he won't say anything else. 

"I love you," she says, perhaps more fiercely than she normally would, as she passes him. 

Her bed is still warm when she climbs back in and Nigel wraps an arm around her waist, but she doesn't sleep for a long time.

\----

Phil moves into his Manchester apartment properly and stops sleeping at their house nearly every night. She calls him every week though and every time, Dan is there. She calls on different nights, just to test, sometimes even calling more than once a week with flimsy excuses like testing a new phone or to talk about new recipes. Dan is always there.

_He studies in Manchester_ , she tells herself.  _It's not that unusual to want space from halls._ _But every night..._

Something in the back of her mind tells her she's still missing something, that the puzzle is missing a few vital pieces and once she has them, everything will make sense. She still hasn't met Dan yet, at least not in person, so she invites them both down for dinner and decides to work out the full picture. 

She opens the door when she hears them knock and is struck by their _closeness_. They're pressed tightly against one another on the path, Phil clutching a bottle of wine, and Dan is wearing a slightly too-big jumper that she's fairly certain she bought for Phil. 

Dan is perfectly polite throughout the meal, calling them both Mr and Mrs Lester despite their many attempts to get him to call them Nigel and Kath. He's funny too, once he comes out of his shell a little. Kath has missed a lot recently, but it's hard to not notice the way Phil looks at Dan after a particularly funny joke. The puzzle pieces shift slightly but the picture isn't quite clear yet.

They've finished dinner when it happens. Phil and Dan and Nigel are all in the living room, Kath refusing their offers to help clear the table (Dan offers multiple times). As she transports dishes back to the kitchen, Nigel gets out an old photo album of Phil's baby photos, much to Dan's amusement. Dan is pointing at a photo and teasing Phil playfully when Kath passes the doorway, carrying the salt and pepper shakers, and she watches as Phil groans, leans into Dan's shoulder and says "Stop it, Bear."

Kath drops the shakers. 

_Oh_ , she thinks.  _That's what I missed._

The salt is fine but the pepper shaker shatters with a crash, peppercorns rolling across the floor like an avalanche, perfect symmetry to the thoughts ricocheting around inside Kath's mind. Phil's flinch at the mention of Dan's girlfriend, the forgotten guest bedroom, the conversation that Phil can't seem to have. That quiet  _I love you_ in the silent kitchen. 

"Mum?" It's Phil. "Mum are you okay?"

She looks at him then and sees him, really sees him. Her little boy jumping in his crib yelling  _light,_ the constant questions at 1am that often ended in "What if no one ever loves me?", the awkward, lanky teenager who would have his moods but never forgot to hug her before bed. The young adult with his own life in the city, a burgeoning career that no one understands, someone maybe loved by another man. She sees it all, all the years that she never noticed, the times she missed everything. 

Phil's eyes meet hers and she knows he can see it. The way her eyes flick between him and Dan, her moment of clarity. His eyes are panicked, watery, and his hands shake so much that he probably would have dropped the newly-rescued salt shaker had Dan not gently taken it from his grasp. 

"Mum-" Phil whispers brokenly.

"Why?" she says and Phil flinches back. Then he's crying, huge fat tears that roll down his cheeks and make his shoulders shake. Dan is suddenly next to him, an arm wrapped protectively around his shoulders, politeness dropped in favour of all the disdain a nineteen year old can muster.

"I love him, Mum," Phil says through his tears. "You might not understand it but I do. I love him."

"I know," is all Kath can say as she watches Dan's arm tighten around Phil. Because she does know. "Midnight cereal?"

Phil looks confused for a moment before he nods hesitantly and slips out of Dan's embrace. Dan looks worried but Phil smiles weakly and Kath follows him into the kitchen. 

"I'm sorry," she says as she flicks the switch on the kettle. "For how I reacted. It's- it's a bit of a shock."

"I do love him, Mum." Phil says hoarsely.

"I know." Kath says again.

A sob wrenches its way out of Phil and Kath can't help but wrap her arms around him. "I love you," she whispers into his ear as he cries in a way he hasn't done since he was a little boy. "I love you so much. Someday-" she breaks off and Phil's breath stills in anticipation. "Someday I hope I can say that of Dan too. I don't know him yet but I want to. I know you love him and I know he loves you. It's- it's a little bit of a shock is all. I feel like I should have seen this coming."

"I love you too." Phil murmurs tearfully into her neck and Kath squeezes him that little bit tighter. 

"Now," she says briskly once Phil has pulled back and they've both wiped the tears from their faces. "Introduce me again, properly this time."

They walk back out to the living room where Dan and Nigel are still exactly where they left them, standing in a sea of spilt peppercorns and glass fragments. _It has to be some kind of metaphor_ , Kath thinks wryly. Nigel looks shell-shocked, Dan indignant.

"Mum, Dad," Phil says. "This is my boyfriend Dan."

\----

Midnight cereal doesn't happen nearly as often, nine years on. Her son has built his own little life in a big city with someone he loves and he doesn't spend much time with his parents anymore. Currently, however, Dan and Phil are fast asleep in the guest bedroom upstairs and Kath can sit in the kitchen with her cup of tea and think about how much she loves her family. Martyn has Cornelia now, and Phil still has Dan after all these years. It makes her smile into her tea at the thought of her children's happiness. 

There's a heavy footfall outside the kitchen and she looks up to see Dan hovering in the door. 

"Hi, love," she says. "Can't sleep?"

"Something like that," Dan murmurs, then smiles knowingly. "Midnight cereal?"

This Dan is different in many ways to the Dan she first met, Kath thinks. This Dan is calmly confident in the way 2009 Dan wasn't. He leaves his hair curly and doesn't mind so much what people assume about him. Kath liked Dan when she met him, but she thinks she likes this Dan even more. 

She laughs quietly and gestures at a stool opposite her. "Join me?"

"It's your fault, you know," Dan says as he accepts a cup of tea. "Phil stealing my cereal."

Kath laughs again, pushing the sugar across the bench as Dan gets a teaspoon. "You don't mind." It's a statement not a question and Dan's cheeks flush slightly. 

"Don't tell him that."

"What's the matter?" Kath says eventually, because she's known this boy for nearly 10 years now and she doesn't miss as much anymore.

Dan flushes again and fidgets, poking a brightly coloured emoji on his pyjama pants (they're Phil's, Kath knows, and she smiles at the knowledge that Dan wouldn't be caught dead in that 'monstrosity' outside of this house. It's yet another sign of how Dan has become part of this family now.) "It's kinda dumb," he says, staring resolutely at where he's twisted the face so completely that it's become unrecognisable. "And it's so outdated to 'ask the parents' or whatever but then again it's also an outdated concept anyway but I know that he wants it..." he trails off and Kath feels a sudden rush of hope.  _Please don't let me be wrong about this_ , she thinks. 

"But I know how much Phil loves you and I just wanted to know, or, you know, get your permission or whatever. No, not permission. Blessing I guess? Ahh this is harder than I thought it would be," He drags a hand down his face then, seeming to make up his mind, he sets his shoulders determinedly, sits up straight, and says "I'm going to ask Phil to marry me. Tomorrow."

He seems so confident, but Kath can see that he has to put his mug down because his hands are shaking so much. She reaches out and presses one of his hands between her two. "Dan," she says. "Look at me."

He does.

"I knew you were perfect for my son the minute you wrapped your arms around him 9 years ago when I reacted badly to the news of your relationship. Your first instinct was to protect him. And I knew it again when that video in 2012 happened and even though you distanced yourself online, you stayed so close to him and loved him and protected him again. I've witnessed your love for the past nine years. I love you like a son, Dan. One of the best things Phil ever did was fall in love with you and allow himself to be loved by you. You don't need my permission, but you have my blessing."

Dan's eyes look suspiciously watery so Kath stands and pulls him into a hug. 

"Thank you," he says and Kath has a feeling that he's talking about more than the proposal. "Thank you for everything."

They finish their tea in comfortable near-silence. Dan stretches and yawns, wishes her goodnight and leaves the kitchen.

Kath sits for a while longer, staring out into the night, and wonders how Phil will react tomorrow. She has a feeling he'll say yes, based on the way he acts around Dan even after all these years. She hasn't missed that. 

She doesn't miss much, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> The timeline may be a little off but hopefully not too noticeably.  
> As always, comments and kudos are appreciated. Let me know what you think :)


End file.
